Gaming
Battlefield 4
K/D, objective score, revives — pick a stat, any stat. It'll be better than his. Just don't mention you're keeping score until after.
How to beat
Paul.
Undefeated at trivia night. Undefeated at chess. Undefeated at the argument about whether a hot dog is a sandwich. This is the field guide for the brave, the desperate, and the mathematically confident.
Seven ways to win
Ranked by odds, not by effort. One of these is basically cheating. The rest just need the right night.
The lock
Swimming
There is no version of this where Paul wins. Pool, lake, distance, stroke — it doesn't matter. This is the one method in this entire guide with a 100% success rate. If you only try one thing, try this.
Gaming · Hardcore
Call of Duty — Hardcore mode
Regular playlists are a coin flip. Switch it to Hardcore specifically and the odds swing hard your way — one-hit kills have a way of humbling overconfidence.
Food · St. Petersburg, FL
Eating contest at Bodega
Take him to Bodega in St. Pete and order more than he does. Less a strategy, more a fact of nature — he taps out first.
Drinks
Margaritas
Happy hour, a shared pitcher, a competitive sipping contest nobody asked for — whatever the format, margaritas are a category where Paul quietly falls apart.
Away game
An unfamiliar city
Take him somewhere he's never been, buy the first round, and let the night do the rest. Paul, several drinks deep in a city he doesn't know, has never once left with everything he came with — phone, jacket, dignity, pick two.
Drinks
Beers
Low effort, high success. When in doubt, order another round and let the math do the work for you.
The Paul problem
Every friend group has one. The person who remembers the rules better than the rulebook, who has "just always been good at this," who says "close game" after winning by thirty points out of some genetic obligation to be gracious.
Paul isn't cheating. That's the infuriating part. Paul is simply, consistently, annoyingly prepared — and preparation is the one advantage that can be reverse-engineered. This dossier exists because somebody has to start taking notes.
The day you stop trying to out-skill Paul and start trying to out-plan him is the day you get your first win.See who's already tried
4 years running
Zero documented losses. One (1) disputed tie, later overturned.
Two, allegedly
Trivia categories: 90s sitcoms. Games that require patience beyond 40 minutes.
Hall of attempts
Every challenger who stepped up. Read their strategies. Learn from their outcomes.
The Sicilian Gambit
Lasted eleven moves. Paul apologized twice, which was worse than losing.
The Final Category
Tied going into "90s Sitcoms." It was never going to end well.
I tried the flank attack. I am still recovering.
The Backup Plan
Three challengers, one lane, one dream. Results pending Saturday.
Submit your strategy
Tried something? Won, lost, or still deciding if it counts as a loss — the archive wants it.